War of the Salehs
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Lynne's growing resentment towards Anja for constantly ignoring her leads her to sabotage her sister's chances at getting into a summer camp. Meanwhile, Wade tries to improve the school's lunch menu.
1. War of the Salehs Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 23

Airdate: June 17, 2018

"War of the Salehs"

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

 _#TYH623_

SCENE 1

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Anja is doing her homework one day when Lynne walks in._

ANJA: Hey sis, what's up?

LYNNE: Don't "hey sis" me. You don't deserve to say that to me.

ANJA: Oh no, what did I do?

LYNNE: You were supposed to come to my apartment last night and you never did.

ANJA: I was?

LYNNE: Yeah, to hang out. Remember?

ANJA: Shit, you're right. I'm sorry, Lynne, I guess I forgot.

LYNNE: Yeah, you've been forgetting a lot lately. What's going on with you?

ANJA: Nothing's going on. Just things happen, you know?

LYNNE: Oh, things just happen. Like if I walked out of the house right now and got hit by a bus, it's just a thing that happened.

ANJA: You're always so dramatic. Look, I know we haven't spent a lot of time together lately, but I wanna make it up to you. How about we have lunch tomorrow?

LYNNE: I don't know. You're probably going to have some work to do or something.

ANJA: No, I'm not. I want us to hang out. It's not every day we see each other at school.

LYNNE: Yeah, why is that? Are you trying to avoid me?

 _Anja sighs._

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, the kids are having lunch together. RK takes the hamburger buns on his tray and puts the chili also on his tray between the buns, then adds ketchup and starts eating._

JAYLYNN: You know, I finally understand why kids keep getting fat.

WADE: RK, how are you able to stand eating that stuff?

RK: Eh, I don't know. I just eat it. When it comes to school, I take what I can get and worry about the consequences later.

WADE: But half the time, this food is mediocre trash. I mean, sloppy Joes on Wednesday, beef patties every two Thursdays. Awful baked macaroni here, cold peanut butter and jelly there. It's irritating.

JAYLYNN: At least we have pizza Fridays. That makes everything worth it.

WADE: Maybe. But what if we had popcorn chicken Fridays?

JAYLYNN: Boy, stop playing with me. That's not happening.

WADE: But it could. All we have to do is make it happen.

SPARKY: I don't think we can change the menu, Wade. All the food comes from the public school system and it's Principal MacGregor's job to follow it.

WADE: But rules can be changed. And it's not like we would be the first school to deviate from the norm.

BUSTER: Wade, I know you want us to stop eating the chicken tenders here so you can have more of them. But you can't. You're not stealing _my_ food, no, sir.

 _Beat. Instead of saying anything, Wade simply leaves the table and walks out of the cafeteria._

SPARKY: I think you broke him.

BUSTER: I didn't mean to. But he's not taking my tenders away from me. Going to start double dipping in my sauce like that's the thing to do.

RK: Ugh, I hate when people do that.

BUSTER: Right?

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is having a meeting with Principal MacGregor._

WADE: Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, Principal MacGregor.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You kept banging on the door saying that you wouldn't leave until you talked to me.

WADE: We both know what happened, sir, so could we get down to business?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What kind of business, per se?

WADE: The school lunch menu is awful. The same food every day, overcooked and unprepared. And most of the time, it's not even fresh. Why can't we start having a better diet here?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Wait, you don't like the school food? I thought all kids did.

WADE: Sir, weren't you a kid at some point?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Of course. Wait, when was 1969?

WADE: Almost fifty years ago?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Then the only thing I remember from my childhood is the Mets winning the World Series. Look, Wade, I would love to wave a magic wand and change the lunch menu, but I don't have that kind of power. The Seattle school board does.

WADE: Then how come Mona Robinson gets to have shrimp and McDonald's?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, they get funding from local politicians.

WADE: Of course. Conservatives never liked us. But there has to be a way. I refuse to give up on this.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: If you're able to drum up support for a new lunch menu, I'll see what I can do. But just know that public schools have similar menus for a reason.

WADE: Makes sense. So I could start a petition?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I don't see why not.

WADE: Alright. Don't worry, Principal MacGregor. I'm going to bring some real change to our cafeteria.

 _Wade leaves the office at this point._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: _Why_ do conservatives hate us?

SCENE 4

David Zuckerman Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Lynne is looking through her locker for something when her friends walk up to her._

MELISSA: So Lynne, are you ready for lunch? I think they have some pulled pork today.

LYNNE: Melissa, you know I don't eat pork.

MELISSA: Oh yeah, right. I keep forgetting you're Hindu or something.

LYNNE: Remember when we had that talk about you needing to pay more attention in class?

MELISSA: Yeah.

LYNNE: I don't think it did anything for you.

FARRAZHAN: Lynne, come on. We can talk about how stupid Melissa is later.

LYNNE: You guys can go without me. I'm eating with my sister today.

ALIYA: Did pigs fly in hell?

LYNNE: No, it's actually happening. She wants to make it up to me for blowing me off so much.

MELISSA: She never blew you off. That's gross, Lynne, don't joke around like that.

LYNNE: I'm patient with you every day, Melissa. Don't make me regret it.

FARRAZHAN: Lynne, are you sure this is going to happen? Anja always promises you something and then she ends up breaking it at the last minute.

ALIYA: Yeah, your sister's been weird ever since she started going to that poetry class.

LYNNE: Look, we have all day to talk about what the Jaylynn era did to my sister, but she still cares about me. She's my best friend and I don't want to lose that.

FARRAZHAN: I thought I was your best friend.

ALIYA: I thought it was me.

MELISSA: It's neither of you. I beat both of you.

ALIYA: Half the time, you can't even remember to tie your own shoes. Is that something Lynne wants from her best friend?

LYNNE: Only Lynne knows what Lynne wants, and right now, Lynne wants you to go have fun at lunch. I'm going to wait here for my sister. We'll go have a sandwich, laugh at some bad jokes, and just enjoy ourselves like we used to.

FARRAZHAN: I hope so. If that was my sister treating me like that, I would have done something months ago.

MELISSA: So why haven't you?

FARRAZHAN: Melissa, it's a hypothetical.

MELISSA: You're the hypocrite talking all big and bad right now, but you wouldn't step to your sister if she let you.

FARRAZHAN: I don't even have a sister, you idiot!

ALIYA: I want to eat before I die.

 _Lynne's friends leave while Lynne sits by her locker smiling with her arms folded. Dissolve into later on, where Lynne is still sitting by her locker, but her smile is gone completely. The students are now out of lunch and going back to class, and Lynne's friends approach her._

FARRAZHAN: I don't want to say "I told you so," so I'll just be nice about it. I had a feeling this would happen.

LYNNE: That doesn't make it any better, just so you know.

MELISSA: Here are some fruit snacks. I know how much you like 'em. I would have eaten them myself, but you need them more than I do.

 _Melissa passes Lynne her bag of fruit snacks._

LYNNE: Thanks. But I can't believe she ditched me again. How much more shit do I have to take from her?

ALIYA: You need to let her know things have to change. You've been putting up with this for too long.

LYNNE: So what, give her an ultimatum?

MELISSA: Yeah, an ultimatum. You lay down the law with Anja. She either starts hanging out with you, or you'll get in that ass.

LYNNE: I'm not gonna fight my sister.

MELISSA: Hey, if it comes to that, I won't blame you. Just do what you have to do, man.

 _Lynne sighs while staring at her bag of fruit snacks._

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, the kids are watching TV._

SPARKY: So are we definitely going to see the _Cowboy Kyle_ movie?

BUSTER: We have to. This is what's going to define our generation.

RK: I thought you guys hated the reboot.

SPARKY: Well, we do, but this is still the _Cowboy Kyle_ movie. At one point, I never thought this would happen. Now it is.

BUSTER: You know, I heard they got back some of the original writers.

SPARKY: Really?

BUSTER: Yeah, there was some petition going around.

WADE: That reminds me. You know what could help change the school lunch menu for good? A petition.

 _The kids groan in annoyance._

WADE: I don't know what's wrong with you guys. This is a great idea.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, until something happens that ruins it and we end up learning nothing.

WADE: Is it really someone else's fault that you end up learning nothing?

SPARKY: Look, Wade, we would love to help, but I just don't think Principal MacGregor is going to make us get better lunch.

WADE: Well, sitting on our hands acting like we're losers isn't going to change anything. We're just bowing down to the man.

RK: Hey, RK Jennings doesn't bow down to the man. I don't know about the rest of them, but me not signing the petition is strictly a political move.

WADE: How is this in any way a political move?

RK: I don't know, I thought you would figure it out for me.

WADE: Well, RK, I don't think it's very political to just get on your hands and feet and accept what you already have. I mean, what you're doing right now? Pretty weak if you ask me.

RK: Oh, I know what you're doing. It's not weakness, it's strategy.

WADE: I'm just saying, letting the school tell you what you can and can't eat? Pretty soon, they'll be telling you what you can't listen to, or wear.

RK: No, they won't. I won't allow it.

WADE: Sounds like you will. I mean, one day, Principal MacGregor will have a uniform policy in place. Then we'll all be walking around in long sleeved button down baby blue shirts and khakis, and you'll just sit there and take it. Because the school's your daddy.

RK: NOBODY'S FORCING ME TO WEAR KHAKIS! Give me that petition.

 _Wade gives RK the petition. RK takes out a pen and begins to sign his name._

RK: Yeah, I'm about to put my John Hancock right here. Somebody telling me to wear khakis? You wish you could see me in khakis. Pffft, like they're my daddy. I don't even have a daddy.

WADE: RK...

 _The camera widens to show the rest of the group._

WADE: You already signed it. You're just scribbling all over the page now.

RK: Oh, I think I blacked out for a second there. I'm sorry.

 _RK gives Wade back the petition. Beat._

JAYLYNN: I used to love wearing khakis.

SCENE 6

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Anja is doing homework that night when Lynne walks in._

ANJA: There you are. I've been trying to reach you all day, what happened?

LYNNE: I didn't want to hear your breathing on the other line of my phone. And you don't deserve to hear mine.

ANJA: Look, Lynne, I know I said we had lunch today, but something came up.

LYNNE: What came up that was so important, you couldn't just let me know before I sat on the school floor like an idiot? The janitor thought I was a puppet and almost threw me away.

ANJA: I got accepted into a summer camp!

LYNNE: So you're just going to ignore me almost being put in the garbage? And what summer camp? I never heard of no summer camp.

ANJA: Well, I applied months ago. It's just this program where you spend time with other kids and learn more about science.

LYNNE: Yeah, I know the basic concept of summer camps, but I just didn't know you wanted to go to one.

ANJA: Well, I do. I almost thought I didn't get in, but the principal called me in her office and let me know today. This is the best news ever!

 _*deadpan*_ LYNNE: I'm so happy for you. I'm bouncing up and down the walls.

ANJA: You don't look like it.

LYNNE: I'm really good at hiding my excitement for things. So, now what? You're going to be gone all summer talking about science and junk?

ANJA: Not all summer. About six weeks, but I'll be back before school starts.

LYNNE: Yeah, great. Looks like you have everything figured out. Congratulations.

ANJA: Thanks, sis. But don't worry about us. I'm going to make sure we talk every night before I go to bed.

LYNNE: It will be great to do what we do now, but you'll just be further away when we do it.

 _Lynne hugs Anja and Anja reciprocates, but Lynne looks enraged and starts growling._

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Buster are talking near their lockers._

SPARKY: No way. Bobby Lashley would get killed by a grizzly bear.

BUSTER: But Bobby has more experience. He wrestles, he knows MMA, and he's an interpretive dancer.

SPARKY: Bobby Lashley's never been an interpretive dancer.

BUSTER: Well, if he ever started doing it, he would be able to escape any attack. All it takes are some classes.

 _Wade and RK walk up to the guys. Wade is holding his petition._

WADE: So guys, are you ready to break down and sign this thing?

BUSTER: Not unless you admit you just want more chicken tenders for yourself.

WADE: Buster, I don't...

RK: Dude, he's giving you an out. Just take it.

 _Wade sighs._

 _*deadpan*_ WADE: Buster, this whole thing was just part of my master plan to get more chicken tenders. I'm a monster and a menace. I'm glad you realized that I needed to be stopped.

BUSTER: At least you were real about it.

 _Wade gives Buster the petition and he signs it._

RK: So Sparko, how about your signature?

SPARKY: I actually want to believe this will happen before I sign anything.

WADE: Well, I'll just let the signatures speak for themselves.

 _Wade gives Sparky the petition to look at the signatures._

SPARKY: Damn, this has to be at least five pages.

WADE: It's actually seven. RK decided to help me get more kids to sign it.

RK: Yeah, there is no way I'm going to let another man force me to wear khakis.

SPARKY: You know he just said all that to trick you into signing, right?

RK: Sparky, haven't you ever heard of the domino effect? Uniforms were next in line and I was not going to be responsible for it.

SPARKY: Well, if this is really happening, then I have to be a part of the cause.

RK: Trend hopper.

SPARKY: What?

RK: I ain't say anything.

 _Sparky takes Buster's pen and signs the petition. He then gives it to Wade._

SPARKY: Here you go, Wade. Good luck.

WADE: Thanks, man. We're about to get the best school lunch in Seattle.

SPARKY: I just have one request.

WADE: Sure, what is it?

 _Sparky puts his arm around Wade._

SPARKY: You know the, um...you know the bacon cheeseburgers they have at Burger King?

WADE: Yeah, what about them?

SPARKY: I enjoy them. Could you bring them to our school?

WADE: I'll fight for them until I no longer have anything left.

SPARKY: Good. You're a good man, Wade.

RK: Sparky, get off my best friend before this gets weird.

SCENE 8

The Saleh Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, Lynne is hanging out with her friends._

LYNNE: And then she just told me about the camp at the last minute. I wasn't even warned. It's like someone saying "I'm about to punch you in the face" after they already did it.

ALIYA: You already told us this story.

LYNNE: Yeah, but Melissa wasn't there.

ALIYA: Oh, I didn't notice.

MELISSA: F*** you too.

LYNNE: Guys, what am I gonna do? I'm in hell right now.

FARRAZHAN: How about you just hang out with Anja before and after the summer camp?

LYNNE: Please, that won't work. If I do it before, she'll just ignore me like she's doing now. But if I do it after, she'll spend the rest of the summer waiting for school. I'm finished.

MELISSA: Maybe there's a way you could stop her from going.

LYNNE: Anja loves science. I can't change her mind.

MELISSA: I don't mean, change _her_ mind. I mean, change the camp's mind. The only thing they need is a reason not to let your sister in.

LYNNE: Yeah, but what? It's not like Anja is Jaylynn. People actually like her.

MELISSA: Just make up something. Like she shoots at clouds.

LYNNE: Shoots at clouds?

MELISSA: You want the camp to think she's a psycho. My older brother did the same thing and now he's on special medication.

ALIYA: I thought you said your brother was in some center in Wyoming.

MELISSA: Doesn't mean I don't know what's going on with him.

ALIYA: Hey, maybe you could also say she eats live bugs. Like, she just sees a caterpillar crawling around and swallows it whole.

FARRAZHAN: Or you could just sit her down when she's not busy and let her know how much all this is bothering you.

LYNNE: Dude, talking doesn't work anymore. If I have to ruin my sister's summer to save mine, well, I'm willing to do some things I'm not proud of.

ALIYA: The only problem is how are we going to get the camp to think Anja's crazy when she's already been accepted?

MELISSA: Don't worry about that. It just takes a fake email from some fake mental hospital from a fake doctor.

LYNNE: Melissa, do you ever think about how much trouble you could get into? Knowing the things that you know?

MELISSA: No, why do you ask?

 _Beat._

LYNNE: Okay, I just wanted to know how thorough you are.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all gathered in the auditorium for an assembly._

SPARKY: I wonder why we're here.

JAYLYNN: Maybe it's to tell me about my new combination lock that just came in.

WADE: Jaylynn, just save yourself the trouble and go to Walgreens.

JAYLYNN: No. They said they were going to order one and I'm holding them to it until I see some results.

 _Cut to Principal MacGregor at the podium._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Everybody settle down. Please. Have some decorum, everyone. Thank you. Now, recently, the student body has made their voices heard and let us know that they want to see a change in the lunch menu here. Well, I wouldn't be a good principal if I didn't give the students what they wanted. So starting next week, we're going to be eating like kings.

 _The kids start cheering._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's right. I was able to pull some strings and get some of the local restaurants here to cook fresh meals for you guys. So get ready because pretty soon, you could be eating...I don't know, something from McDonald's?!

 _The kids start cheering again and chant "MCDONALD'S!"_ _while clapping._

 _*deadpan, towards his assistant*_ PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Was that enthusiastic enough?

KAREN: You did a great job, sir.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I knew it. Well, time to watch the kids kill each other.

 _At that point, the guys pick up Wade and carry him on their shoulders while chanting his name._

WADE: I'm the king of the world!

SCENE 10

The Saleh Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, Lynne and her friends are crowded around her laptop. Melissa is currently using it._

MELISSA: Okay, so with this one email, we're definitely going to keep Anja out of that summer camp. The goal is to make these people think she's a total weirdo. Like, she's taken every drug known to man, but for some reason, she's still alive.

FARRAZHAN: You know, this still doesn't feel right.

LYNNE: Look, Farrazhan, you don't have to help if you don't want to, but I'm not about to have my sister leave me for six weeks.

FARRAZHAN: If you say so.

MELISSA: Okay, so this letter is coming from a doctor named Martin Trieger, and I created an email that makes it look like it's his. The camp people are going to think this is Anja's doctor. And we're going to come up with the weirdest shit we can think of.

ALIYA: Like she dances around her house covered in chocolate pudding?

MELISSA: Yes. Yes, that's it! And she likes to bathe in gasoline.

LYNNE: How about she grabs puppies and kittens, cracks their necks for fun, and then uses their bodies to make stew?

MELISSA: Yes, all these ideas. I'm writing all this shit down, all of it.

ALIYA: You really don't want to help, Farrazhan? This is hilarious.

FARRAZHAN: I don't know, she...likes to eat the stuff from her belly button?

MELISSA/LYNNE/ALIYA: Ewwwww.

MELISSA: That's gold right there. I swear, this letter is making _me_ want to stop being around Anja.

LYNNE: Yeah, me too. Crazy shit right there.

FARRAZHAN: So you guys are one hundred percent sure that the people at the summer camp will believe everything you're saying about Anja? You're really counting on them being that stupid?

 _Beat._

LYNNE: No, more like eighty percent.

ALIYA: Yeah, that's fair.

MELISSA: I'm thinking eighty-two point five percent.

LYNNE: Better. Much better.

SCENE 11

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Several days later, Anja is reading when her phone starts to ring. She then takes it out, checks the caller ID, and answers it._

ANJA: Hello? Yeah, you're speaking to Anja. I'm really excited about your camp. I can't wait to...wait, what? What letter are you talking about? _Beat._ No, but...are you kidding me? This doesn't make sense, I'm perfectly fine. _Beat._ Yeah, okay. Okay, I guess. Bye.

 _Anja hangs up her phone._

ANJA: What the freak just happened?

 _Cut to a shot of Lynne walking towards Anja's house. She walks to the window in a way that keeps her from being seen and notices Anja's crying._

 _LYNNE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Oh my God, this is it. She found out the camp doesn't want her anymore. Wow, she's really upset._

LYNNE: Score!

 _"Let It Roll" briefly plays in the background as Lynne does a little dance to celebrate the success of her plan._

SCENE 12

David Zuckerman Elementary School

Exterior Parking Lot

Seattle, Washington

 _The next morning, Lynne parks near the school with a depressed Anja in the passenger's seat._

LYNNE: Well, here we are.

ANJA: Thank you for driving me to school.

LYNNE: Hey, no problem. You're in a bad place right now so I wanted to do something nice for you.

ANJA: That's sweet. I still can't believe I'm not going to that camp. It's like Allah gave me this great thing and five seconds later, he took it away from me. Just so he can laugh at me.

LYNNE: Well, you know what they say about Allah. A vengeful Allah is a happy Allah.

ANJA: Who says that?

LYNNE: Farrazhan said it once, I just thought it was funny.

ANJA: Well, I might as well just get on with my life.

LYNNE: That's the spirit. And you know what? I'm going to find the person who did this and make them pay. Like, this is me and this is the person who did this and I'm like... _*Lynne makes grumbling noises while pretending to strangle someone*_...you know? Because that's not cool what they did to you. You mess with Anja Saleh, you're messing with Lynne Saleh too.

ANJA: Thanks, Lynne. It's great that I can talk to you about this stuff.

LYNNE: No problem. Hey, if you want, I could come over tonight and we could watch a movie together. You know, like we used to?

ANJA: That's a great idea. I'll finish my homework early so you can come.

LYNNE: Don't you always finish your homework early?

ANJA: Yeah, but this time, I'll actually have a reason to. So I'll see you tonight?

LYNNE: See you tonight.

 _Anja leaves Lynne's car and Lynne starts laughing._

LYNNE: This might be the greatest finesse that anyone has ever pulled. I love when things work out.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids look happier while eating the new and improved school lunch._

JAYLYNN: Wade, I never should've doubted you. This is amazing.

SPARKY: Yeah, who would have thought that we would get to eat Burger King fries for lunch?

WADE: Hey, when I have an idea, I always try to make it work. Besides, we come to school every day. I think we all deserve some validation.

SPARKY: And if the validation is bacon, beef, and cheese, why not embrace it?

JAYLYNN: You really love those bacon cheeseburgers, don't you?

SPARKY: They're special to me. Don't you remember that night?

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, that night.

WADE: What night?

JAYLYNN: Well, one time, when we were still pen pals, Sparky came to Portland to come see me. And that night, we went to Burger King because I had a coupon. So...

 _*to Buster*_ RK: Hey! What are you doing?

BUSTER: I'm having some fries. You want some dipping sauce?

RK: No, I want to know why you have so many fries. Meanwhile, I don't have jack shit. Wade, do you see this?

WADE: Well, it looks like Buster has more fries, but I don't think it's a big deal.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, RK, be a big boy and don't interrupt my stories again. So, anyway...

RK: Look, bottom line, I should have more fries. Give me those.

BUSTER: No, you can't just take my food like that. All this time, I was looking at Wade differently. I should've had my eye on you the whole time.

RK: GIVE ME THE DAMN FRIES!

 _RK starts choking Buster for the fries while the guys scream and then successfully pry RK off of Buster._

SPARKY: Dude, what's the matter with you?

 _Sparky slaps RK in the back of his head._

JAYLYNN: You almost killed your friend over some fries?! Are you smoking crack?!

RK: I don't know what just happened. Buster, I'm so sorry, I just...I-I went into another state.

WADE: A mentally disturbed state, you mean.

RK: No, it's weird. I mean, I know they were just fries, but I couldn't help myself. The fries have a hold on me.

SPARKY: The fries have a hold on you?

JAYLYNN: I should kick your ass right now just for saying that.

BUSTER: I forgive you, RK, but this is a school, not the jungle. Be polite next time.

RK: I understand. I completely understand. It won't happen again.

 _Beat._

 _*under his breath*_ RK: Blonde sumbitch couldn't share his f***ing fries, what part of the game is that?

BUSTER: What?

RK: I mean, c-could I have some of that dipping sauce?

SCENE 14

David Zuckerman Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, Anja and Lynne are having lunch together._

LYNNE: I still don't understand why for one hour, they were just sitting around talking about what they could have done rather than actually do it.

ANJA: Well, it was just for the story. You know, so there was something to focus on.

LYNNE: I don't know. If you ask me, they were way too whiny.

 _Beat._

ANJA: Hey.

LYNNE: What?

ANJA: I just noticed you have way prettier eyes than me.

LYNNE: No, I don't. You're just saying that because you're my sister.

ANJA: No, you do. How did I lose the genetic game?

LYNNE: I don't know. Why do you have such a great walk?

ANJA: Great walk?

LYNNE: Yeah, you were blessed, man. Every time you walk, it's like you're on the runway. I wish I had that.

ANJA: You'll get it. If I have it, you'll have it.

LYNNE: That's some real shit you just said.

ANJA: You know, it's great that we could talk like this. What happened to us? I feel like we used to do this all the time.

LYNNE: Well, you just got busy. You started hanging around with that redhead swamp thing, and then her little friends, and pretty soon, I was behind all of them.

ANJA: That's not true. You're my little sister, Lynne. You'll always be the most important person in the world to me.

LYNNE: You mean that?

ANJA: Of course. I don't say things just to say them. Who does that?

LYNNE: Freaks?

ANJA: Right?

LYNNE: Right.

 _Cut to a shot of Lynne's friends watching the Saleh sisters eat._

ALIYA: They look so happy.

MELISSA: And all it took was one fake email. Lynne owes us big time. We did a lot for that girl.

FARRAZHAN: This is so sad. Every time Lynne looks into Anja's eyes, she'll be lying to her. And she doesn't even care!

MELISSA: Why do you always talk like you're on Nick Jr.?

FARRAZHAN: Because I believe in doing what's fair and right.

MELISSA: Okay. Then go over there and tell Anja everything. Have her hate Lynne for taking away her dream, and then have Lynne hate you for ruining the one chance she has to hang out with her sister again.

 _Beat._

FARRAZHAN: I'll stay here.

MELISSA: Yes, you will. I raised you well.

SCENE 15

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, Anja is cleaning her coffee table when Jaylynn walks in._

JAYLYNN: What's going on, buddy?

ANJA: Nothing much. What about you?

JAYLYNN: Well, today at school, one kid got his ass beat over an apple cinnamon pie from Popeyes. It was crazy, he was bleeding from his ear and everything.

ANJA: Now how are you going to beat someone up over a pie? Kids are so weird.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I think everyone's still getting used to the new school lunch. It's making them act like idiots.

ANJA: Well, I wish I could talk more, but Lynne's going to be here in an hour.

JAYLYNN: You know what? With that in mind, I can always call you.

ANJA: Makes sense.

JAYLYNN: Hey, did you hear back from that summer camp?

ANJA: Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it.

JAYLYNN: Wait, you didn't get in?

ANJA: No. You know what? I actually do want to talk about it, I'm still upset.

JAYLYNN: How come my friends never get into summer camps?

ANJA: Well, I actually got in the first time, but then they took back my acceptance.

JAYLYNN: For what? For caring too much about science?

ANJA: No, apparently, they got this email talking about how sick I am. Like, I eat bags of heroin, I turn puppies into stew, and I shoot at clouds.

JAYLYNN: Why would you ever shoot at clouds?

ANJA: I don't know. Apparently, the fake Anja does.

JAYLYNN: That's so weird. I mean, the bullet would never travel that far. And even if it did, you wouldn't even shoot down the cloud. It would just stay there.

ANJA: Are you seriously trying to figure out how this could work?

JAYLYNN: I'm just saying, it's like sticking an orange in a bottle of Poland Spring.

ANJA: So, anyway, I'm going to be spending my summer here.

JAYLYNN: That's not even right, man. You were made for that camp. It's almost like...

 _Jaylynn's eyes widen at that point._

JAYLYNN:...someone didn't want to see you go.

 _Jaylynn begins to squint her eyes out of suspicion._

ANJA: Why is your face changing like that?

JAYLYNN: No reason. I gotta go, but I'll call you later.

ANJA: Sure.

 _Jaylynn leaves the house and snaps her fingers as she closes the front door._

JAYLYNN: Oh, it's on now.

SCENE 16

The Saleh Apartment

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Lynne is on the couch when Jaylynn walks in._

LYNNE: Excuse me, but I don't remember saying you were allowed in here.

JAYLYNN: Little girl, you know I can come in anywhere I want and it doesn't matter how you feel about it. Now you and me need to have a talk.

LYNNE: About what? Why do you have to come to me?

JAYLYNN: Anja told me about what happened to her summer camp.

 _LYNNE'S BRAIN (V.O.): Oh, shit. She knows everything._

LYNNE: Yeah, and?

JAYLYNN: No, I just thought it was interesting. I kinda wanted to know how you felt about it.

 _LYNNE'S BRAIN (V.O.): This stupid bitch really thinks she's got me on the ropes. She's trying to con a con artist. But whatever. It's not about what I did, it's what she can pin on me._

LYNNE: I think it's awful, they really screwed her over.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, they really did. That was such a weird email, though. I mean, what kind of person eats bags of heroin?

LYNNE: Wait, Melissa kept that in? Huh, I thought she said that wasn't funny enough.

JAYLYNN: You know you just...

LYNNE: Yeah, I just told on myself. I heard what I said too.

JAYLYNN: Why the hell would you do that to Anja? She's been talking about that camp non-stop for months.

LYNNE: Oh, really? That says a lot, doesn't it? When it comes to you, it's like the juiciest gossip ever. But when it comes to me, I don't hear about it until she gets in?

JAYLYNN: What's your point, weirdo?

LYNNE: That for months, Anja hasn't given a shit about me. She always goes to you or Ashley or one of your other little friends whenever there's a problem. We barely hang out or have lunch anymore. I used to be her whole world. Now, it's like I can barely find a place in her world.

JAYLYNN: So you did all this just so she would spend more time with you?!

LYNNE: Yeah, and if I had the chance, I would do it again.

JAYLYNN: Wow, you've really had one hell of a year, haven't you? F***ing with your sister's summer, stealing Sparky's Thanksgiving turkey. What's next? You're going to start spitting on people if they don't give you their dessert?

LYNNE: Please, I grew out of that when I was six.

JAYLYNN: I swear, you are such a piece of shit. Anja had the chance to do something really cool and you just took that away from her? How selfish can you be? When are you going to grow up and realize that not everything is about you?

LYNNE: Oh, don't jump on your moral high horse, Jaylynn. If we're going to point fingers, this all started with you.

JAYLYNN: Oh no, not this again. This is the part where you blame me for all the problems in your life instead of taking responsibility for what you did, isn't it?

LYNNE: Well, it's true. But you do have a point. Not everything is your fault. This was gonna happen some day. Anja was going to meet all these new people and start making friends up the ass, then she would forget all about me. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

JAYLYNN: Well, it did. And at some point, you have to learn how to deal with it instead of trying to make everything into what it used to be. It can't be like it used to, girl.

LYNNE: I don't know why I'm wasting my breath on you. You don't know anything about losing someone that you care so much about.

JAYLYNN: Well, my mom's dead and my dad packed his bags twice, so I think I know a thing or two.

LYNNE: Oh, now here's the part where you bring up your broken family and your messed up life and how the guys are your family now. Look, I get it and that's cool and everything, but do you have to mention it every time?

JAYLYNN: Like I said, piece of shit. Look, it's obvious that you and Anja have a lot to talk about and you need to talk about it with her. But trying to keep her from going away and doing something with her life isn't the answer. And give your sister some damn credit. She didn't hesitate to take you in because your father wanted you to stay out of trouble. She was the one who paid your rent for the first three months you lived here. And if anything ever happens to me, you're going to be the first person she turns to. Because you're sisters. And that's never gonna change.

 _Jaylynn begins to leave the apartment._

LYNNE: So what now? You're going to snitch on me?

JAYLYNN: No, I'm staying out of it. Because you need to grow up and deal with this on your own. By the way, if you even so much as imply that I knew anything about this, I won't hesitate to come back here and kick your ass.

 _Jaylynn leaves the apartment at that point._

LYNNE: She really thinks she's a boss. Looking like a damn cherry Popsicle.

JAYLYNN (V.O.): Yeah, nothing you say really bothers me right now.

 _Lynne sucks her teeth and sits back down on the couch._

SCENE 17

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, RK and Wade are walking through the halls._

RK: Wait, so if Buster and Ashley get married, and Sparky's the best man, what would we be?

WADE: Groomsmen.

RK: Yeah, that makes sense. But why can't one of us be the head usher?

WADE: That's like asking why you can't get a bus pass instead of driving around in a Lexus.

RK: So would Jaylynn be the maid of honor?

WADE: No, that would be Sanna.

RK: Oh, she's gonna be pissed when she finds out. Speaking of Sanna...

 _RK and Wade look over and see Sanna and Halley having an argument._

RK: Looks like things are heating up over there.

WADE: Yeah. Let's do the good neighbor thing and squash it.

RK: Oh, I wanted to see it escalate myself, but hey, it's your world.

 _RK and Wade walk over to the girls._

WADE: Hey ladies, what's going on here?

SANNA: Nothing. Halley's just being an idiot.

HALLEY: Maybe I wouldn't be such an idiot if I knew what you were talking about.

SANNA: So you admit it?

RK: Okay, how did this whole thing start?

HALLEY: Sanna's just upset because I ate a slice of her pizza.

SANNA: Yeah, because it was deep dish and you know I love deep dish.

HALLEY: You're not from Chicago. You don't have to pretend to have a point.

WADE: Well, Halley, did you ask Sanna before you ate her slice?

HALLEY: No, because Ashley told me it was cool.

SANNA: Look, Ashley's just...Ashley is Ashley, okay? Just don't eat my pizza again, you got it?

HALLEY: If this was the old school pizza, you wouldn't care. I don't like what Little Caesar's is doing to you. It's making you a pain in the ass.

 _RK pulls Wade aside to talk to him._

WADE: Dude, what's wrong?

RK: I think the new school lunch menu is washed up.

WADE: What are you talking about?

RK: Man, do you not see what's going on here? The fries taking a hold on me, the boy almost getting put on a T-shirt for his pie, the daily Royal Rumble match just to be the first in line. All this good food is turning us into animals.

WADE: I didn't want to believe it, but you're right. This is all my fault. I just wanted to be an instrument for change here and all I did was make things worse.

RK: It's not your fault, buddy. We just can't be trusted with nice things. It's why everything is the same these days so people don't kill each other.

WADE: Well, it's time for another meeting with MacGregor. It's going to be hard, but hopefully, he knows what needs to be done.

 _Cut to Wade in the principal's office._

WADE: So you see, Principal MacGregor, that's why the school lunch menu has to revert back to what it used to be. With the cold PB&J and one French bread pizza apiece.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Okay, I'll take care of it as soon as possible.

WADE: Really, it was that easy for you? You're not going to challenge me on this?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No. You see, Wade, I knew this would happen. The kids would get all this great food every day and not know how to handle it. That's why school lunch is so uniform. I was just waiting for you to realize that so we could get things back to normal.

WADE: Wait, you knew all of this would happen and you didn't do anything to stop it?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sometimes, you have to let the world burn before you can improve it.

WADE: A kid is in the hospital right now because of an apple cinnamon pie.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, do you want me to change the menu back or not?

WADE: I'll shut up now.

SCENE 18

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, Anja and Lynne are on the couch. The situation is tense and awkward and the TV is off._

ANJA: Lynne, is everything okay?

LYNNE: No, it's not. Look, I have to talk to you about something that's really hard and I just want you to hear me out, okay?

ANJA: Yeah, sure. You're kinda scaring me, but sure.

LYNNE: Alright, how do I say this? You ever watched that episode of _Degrassi_ where Jimmy finds out that Spinner is the reason he's in a wheelchair? Because he and Jay told Rick that Jimmy was behind the paint and feathers prank, so he got shot?

ANJA: No.

LYNNE: Wow, I couldn't have started this off any shittier.

ANJA: Lynne, whatever's going on, just spit it out.

LYNNE: I'm the reason you're not going to that summer camp.

ANJA: Wait, what? How?

LYNNE: Me and my friends wrote a fake email and sent it to the camp to make you look insane, so they wouldn't want you anymore.

ANJA: Are you serious? How could you do something like that to me?!

LYNNE: Because I was sick and tired of being the black sheep in your life.

ANJA: What?!

LYNNE: The redheaded stepchild, the forgotten sister, the loser.

ANJA: I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS! I can't believe you ruined my summer.

LYNNE: Look, sis, on one hand, you could say I ruined your summer. You _could_. But maybe this is for the best.

ANJA: How is this for the best?!

LYNNE: Um...because you don't have to leave me?

 _Anja gives Lynne an annoyed look._

LYNNE: I just wanted us to hang out like we used to.

ANJA: Then why didn't you talk to me about this?!

LYNNE: Because it was never a good time. It was always homework or Jaylynn or some other stupid-ass thing I can't think about right now.

ANJA: Look, I can't even be in the same room with you. Just go home before I get mad.

LYNNE: Yeah, of course. Because whenever we have a problem, all you can do is send me away.

ANJA: Lynne, I'm not playing right now. Go home.

LYNNE: Do you not see the problem, Anja? You ignore me and treat me like shit every chance you get.

ANJA: We just had lunch together and watched a whole movie.

LYNNE: Yeah, like that means anything. You used to not brag about stuff like that, Anja. It was just something we did because of how much we loved being around each other. You only did that stuff with me because you needed someone to talk to.

ANJA: Well, can you blame me for not hanging out with you 24/7? I mean, I have my own friends and my own life. Just like you do.

LYNNE: Yeah, but I still remember the days where you came home crying because you couldn't make any friends. I mean, at the end of the day, all your other friends won't be there for you, but I will. I'm always going to be your sister. I just want you to remember that.

ANJA: Yeah, we're sisters. I get that. But what does any of that have to do with the fact that you made those people think I shoot at clouds and eat heroin?

LYNNE: Wow. You really don't understand the problem, do you?

ANJA: NO! _You_ don't understand the problem. You do this all the time, Lynne. Whenever you don't get what you want, you always have to ruin shit for everyone else. Your science project got destroyed by the rain, so you had to mess up someone else's to make yourself feel better. You thought Jaylynn was trying to destroy our friendship, so you decided to hate her and make her life a living hell. And now you don't like the fact that we can't spend time together, so you keep me out of the summer camp I've wanted to go to for months. That's what you do, Lynne. You just ruin everything because you can't handle the fact that your own life sucks.

LYNNE: I...I can't believe you would say that to me. So it's true. It's all true. Jaylynn, the poetry class, everything that's happened to us has led to this. You hate me.

ANJA: Lynne, please. You're going to do it again. You're going to do something you can't take back.

LYNNE: No, you obviously don't want anything to do with me, so just admit it.

 _Lynne shoves Anja at that point._

ANJA: Lynne, I'm not gonna fight you.

LYNNE: No, I think you are.

 _Lynne shoves Anja to the floor. Anja gets up and shoves Lynne back. Lynne then tackles Anja and the two wrestle each other. Lynne then punches Anja twice in the face, and then stomps her in the chest until she notices Anja crying. She then widens her mouth and starts crying._

LYNNE: Oh my God. You were right.

 _Lynne grabs Anja and opens the front door, presumably to take her to the hospital._

SCENE 19

Children's Hospital

Interior Waiting Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later on, Anja is being treated for her injuries. She holds an ice pack to her lip and now has a black eye. Lynne is right next to her, looking remorseful and ashamed._

LYNNE: I hit you. I actually beat you up.

ANJA: Yeah, you did.

LYNNE: That was our first fight. I never, ever thought about putting my hands on you before.

ANJA: I guess you felt you needed to, because I'm a terrible sister, I guess.

LYNNE: You're not a terrible sister. I just missed everything we used to do. I was your best friend. Now it feels like you don't need me anymore.

ANJA: Lynne, I'm always going to need you. You're the only family I have here. If something happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably hate myself because I could have done something to save you.

LYNNE: Really?

ANJA: Yeah. I want to be there for you and protect you for as long as I can, because I'm not letting Dad down and I'm not letting you down.

LYNNE: Wow. Anja, I'm sorry I ruined your summer. Everything you said was right. Whenever there's a problem, all I do is make it worse. But why? Why am I like this?

ANJA: I don't know, sis. But if you ever want to find out, I'll be there for you. We're not supposed to hate each other. And I don't want you growing up to hate me.

LYNNE: I could never hate you. But I hate myself because I hurt you so much. I don't know what to do.

ANJA: Whenever you decide what to do, can you please let me help you? I never want us to fight again.

LYNNE: Me neither.

 _Anja and Lynne grab each other's hand and smile at each other._

ANJA: Wait, Lynne?

LYNNE: Yeah?

ANJA: You know you don't eat drugs, right?

LYNNE: Well, there _are_ weed brownies.

ANJA: Yeah, but the weed is baked in...you know what, no one cares.

 _Cut to black._

 _("What Really Goes On" by A Tribe Called Quest plays over the end credits)_

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

SEASON FINALE NEXT SUNDAY


	2. War of the Salehs Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written on 7/28/18-7/29/18)_

 _7/28/18_

-I came up with the idea for this episode weeks ago, inspired by the _Boy Meets World_ episode "Brother, Brother." At first, I thought about doing this with RK and KG, but I didn't think their relationship would need an episode like this. Then I thought about Anja and Lynne and things became more interesting. This is the most I've explored their relationship at any point in the series, and it would make sense that Lynne would start to resent Anja because she knows they're not as close as they used to be. I thought it would make an interesting conflict and show Lynne's softer, more vulnerable side.

-I used the season five technique with this episode. A while back, I came up with an episode where Wade would get annoyed with the guys' poor diet and start making healthier food for them to eat. It was called "Helpful Eating Hints with Chef Wade," and I even wrote a line for RK in case I decided to go with the idea. However, I decided it would work better as a subplot, and came up with the idea of Wade trying to improve the school lunch menu. I also needed the balance since the episode was focused on recurring characters.

-The time I came up with this episode to the time I finished the first draft was really short compared to a lot of other episodes. Most ideas are thought of weeks or months before they become actual episodes, but the process for this one took almost no time at all. I remember starting to write the episode on Friday, and then I finished it in the middle of the night on Saturday. It was the kind of episode that I just wanted to keep working on, like with "Wade Goes to Junior High" or "RK's Monster." I also didn't have to do a lot of rewriting for this one.

-At first, when I started working on the episode, I wanted to do it through Lynne's eyes. She still sees Anja as her best friend despite the fact that Anja has other friends and more of a responsibility to herself. She did an awful thing for the sake of keeping Anja around because she believed their relationship was getting worse. But then as I kept writing, I realized it wasn't just about Lynne feeling ignored. It was also about how Lynne intentionally makes bad situations worse and refuses to take responsibility for the things she does wrong. At the end of the day, both sisters still love each other but the problems between them will never go away until they work on them, and address the issues on both sides.

-This is definitely a top five episode of the season. I'm glad I was able to come out with something like this near the end, when my mind was already looking ahead to season seven.

-I really liked writing Lynne's friends, especially Melissa. She was like a weird mixture of Buster and RK, with a hint of Bitch Clock.

-I referenced a _Cowboy Kyle_ movie just so I could find an easy way to open up "The Simpsons Movie: Thank You, Heavenly Edition" the week after. Plus, this is a callback to season five's "Cowboy Kyle's Comeback Tour" where Sparky and Buster tried to get the reboot of _Cowboy Kyle_ off the air.

-Back in elementary school, we actually did have to wear baby blue shirts and khakis as our uniform. I didn't start wearing regular clothes again until high school.

-Jaylynn references "The Space Program" when she questions why her friends never get accepted into summer camps.

-I got the idea to have one of the crazy things Anja does in her letter be eating bags of heroin from Eminem. When he overdosed back in 2007, doctors told him it looked like he had ingested the equivalent of four bags of heroin. It made me wonder if someone could actually swallow heroin and I wrote it into the script.

 _7/29/18_

-Jaylynn uses the same "orange in a bottle of Poland Spring" saying that she used in "Table for Five."

-Jaylynn references "The Thanksgiving from Hell." In that episode, Sparky loses the turkey he was going to serve for Thanksgiving dinner. Lynne ends up finding it, but it is later revealed that she stole the turkey under the belief that she was going to spend Thanksgiving alone.

-Lynne references the _Degrassi_ episode "Eye of the Tiger." In an earlier episode ("Time Stands Still"), Rick is humiliated by a prank where he gets hit with paint and feathers after winning a game show. Spinner and Jay were the perpetrators, but when they noticed Rick was in the bathroom, they lied and said it was Jimmy that set the prank up. Rick ended up shooting Jimmy, which paralyzed him and put him in a wheelchair. In "Eye of the Tiger," Spinner tells Jimmy that he was responsible for it.

-The scene where Anja and Lynne fought was inspired by the scene in "Brother, Brother" where Cory and Eric fought, including the dialogue. The only difference is in the original episode, it's more about Cory being frustrated because he feels like Eric doesn't care about him. In this episode, Anja tells Lynne everything about herself, but she doesn't realize that Anja was right until she went too far.


End file.
